A Guide to Train Etiquette

WARNING - this will be a ranty, sweary blog.  All those with sensitive ears (eyes?) should hasten back from whence you came.   

Every day I travel to work by train, twice, from Glasgow to Edinburgh and back again.  I am a commuter which if empirical evidence is anything to go by (and I think it is) makes me an asshole.  There is every chance that this is true in many other ways however I don’t think it can be when it comes to my daily commute.  The reason for this is that I find the conduct of my fellow passengers wholly unacceptable. 
The daily dredge of hauling my sorry ass onto a morning train for a 50 minute journey to be repeated again in the evening is bad enough without the rest of humanity making it even worse.  I appreciate that this is entirely a first world problem but you know what...I live the first world and this is a fucking problem!  If you are on the train with me then you had better adhere to the following or so help me... I am a woman driven to the brink...or the blog as it were. 

Not in order of priority (they should all be observed with equal care and attention)

1.    WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE GET OFF THE TRAIN BEFORE YOU BOARD.  If you are pushing through people as they try to disembark, wielding your Upper Crust baguette like a weapon designed to fend off those seat stealing trolls you obviously think managed to teleport on ahead of you, then you are an awful human being. 
2.    Don’t press the button to open the door...it’s not lit up YET which means that won’t work.  The door mechanics are not vulnerable to your pointless persistence.  Stop pressing it.  It’s pretty simple, light goes on you press button.  Stop it...I said stop pressing it, there’s no point...STOP PRESSING THE FUCKING BUTTON!!!
3.     The platform has just been announced, it’s at least 8 minutes before the train is due to leave, why are you running?  Is this a race?  Will there be a prize?  The only thing you are going to achieve is my complete and utter disdain. 
4.    It is universally acknowledged and understood that on a quiet train where you have your pick of any seat you like that you do not, under any circumstances, sit next to me.  I am a humble traveller; I did not choose the 4 seat table for I did not require it.   I did not select the seats reserved for the elderly or disabled because that would be unethical.  My weary bones deposited themselves in a quiet, out of the way, non-controversial seat that yes, does come in twos but the fact that I am a single is not an invitation for you, and your girth, to join me.  You inexplicably decided to impinge on what little personal space is afforded me on this journey.  You have made the list. 
5.    Breakfast is the most important meal of the day...apparently.  And as a fellow commuter I more than understand the virtues and necessity of eating on the run.  However, there are still rules.  The most important one being that 8am is NOT an acceptable time to eat a Burger King.  And if you must do it then have the decency to be ashamed of it and refrain from sitting in front of me.  The one and only exception to this rule is if you are experiencing the morning from the other side, that is to say you haven’t been to bed yet, then by all means, you are free to eat your nasty takeaway burger.  You may also enjoy tacos, cold pizza or noodles.  BUT NOT ON A TRAIN AND NOT IN FRONT OF ME.   You will not realise this but as I sip my Starbucks and try to keep my eyes averted from your chewing I am willing you to choke on it.  It’s why the vein in my temple is twitching. 
6.    Yes I need you to move your bag because the train is busy and your bag does not need a seat.  And you’re rolling your eyes.  FUCK YOU! 
7.    You!  You little ned fuck!  If you don’t put headphones into that phone right fucking now I am going to have your Techno-N Dubz-David Guetta-Grime-Dirty-Banging-Shuffle loving body blasted into atoms.  I am serious, I will kill you and I promise no one will miss you.  When listening to music headphones must be worn at all times. The alternative should be punishable by being flung off the train while it is still moving.  Seriously, after this I am writing to Scotrail. 
8.    The barrier check gate thingy which is the one last obstacle between me and a train free existence for another few hours will not accept your ticket because you are trying to insert it into one that is not an exit.  See that big red cross, that means “no, you can’t go this way you dribbling ignoramus.  The shiny green tick however is much more tolerant of you, go towards it”.  Ah but you are going to try shoving the square peg into the round hole AGAIN. Like the train loving troglodyte you are.  You know what, you don’t get to leave, you have to live here because people that fucking stupid DESERVE TO LIVE IN TRAIN STATIONS!!!!

I feel better now.